To all fathers out there, I understand many of you have grown up in a different time. What a man is and how he is to act were painted differently during your time. The movies, teleseryes, books and newspapers then popularly depicted men as tough, easy-going, sporty, and fond of ladies. Men were also drawn as heads of a household, and unquestionable, authoritarian providers. Commonly, fathers wish to inculcate the same idea of manhood to their sons. They imagine a younger version of themselves in their sons and wish to instill their idea of what a man is in their children’s minds. This is why, I feel, many Filipino fathers find it tough when they find out any of their sons is gay. There are a lot of things that may go on inside your mind when you discover that your son is gay: “Did I fail as a father?” “Did I make a mistake?” “How will my friends react?” “What will my relatives say?” These are only few of what might be floating around your mind when you find out your son is gay. Of course, every question you have about yourself and about how you will face the world is valid. It is alright to reflect on those because it helps you discover what evokes the reactions you had. Nevertheless, dwelling on them too much makes you miss the most crucial aspects. What you often forget in this scenario is that your son’s gayness is not really about you, it’s about him. The real thing in question when a father become confused or repulsive of his son’s gayness is his love for him. The only things you should be asking yourself are “Do I love my son?” and “Does his authentic self and freedom from what I think he should be affect that love?” The answer should be a clear no on both. But, if you stuttered, the better question to ask yourself if you failed as a father because you second-guessed your love for your son, simply because he was gay. Remember, your son is not you. As a father, what is important is that your son lives his life on his own terms. Who he loves, how he moves, and what he deems himself to be, is your business only to the extent that it does not interrupt his journey to fulfillment, happiness and success. Being combative about your son’s gayness prevents you from loving him as you should. It prevents you from being happy for him, being there for him, and, most of all, being a father to him. You will miss out on a lot, even when your son loves you more than you think he does, because you feel it’s up to you. Be a father to your gay son. That’s all he asks. What the world thinks does not matter. It’s about him, not you. Remember, he can only have one father, and that’s you. Happy Father’s Day and Happy Pride Month!
-Joshua Labonera is a gay boy from Quezon City, who is currently studying law somewhere in Manila.