Growing up with conservative parents, they always instill in our minds that being a homosexual is a sin. At an early age, I already knew that there's something different about me but I chose not to speak up because I feared I might suffer from them either emotionally or physically.
I have a transgender aunt, and my father doesn't want me and my brother to be somehow involved with her because "mahahawa kami" as if it is some kind of disease. That somehow brought me trauma that if I come out, he won't accept me.
During my early years in school, coming from an all boys school, the toxic masculinity there is so worse I chose to be someone that I am not. I somehow became a homophobic person, but years have come and my mind had started to open up.
I've struggled to accept myself and suffer a lot from it. I have this one boy group that I am stanning that made me realize that loving and accepting yourself will make you happy, which I did. At Grade 12, I finally broke free and accepted myself.
If you're wondering, yes, I am still closetedm and I am still scared of my parents. Before, I tried coming out to my mom, knowing she has homosexual relatives, but she said that I should never be one and that it is aa "curse.” She prayed that she will never have a bakla or tomboy na anak. This made me lose hope a lot and made me cry.
They always think about what other people will think of them. How about feelings na knowing na kadugo namin di kami kaya tanggapin? All I want is my parents to accept me because I can overcome a lot of problems with their love and support, yung bigat sa shoulders ko ay mawawala. I am glad that I have an aunt, uncle, sister, and friends who accept me from who I am.
In college, I am now living in a dorm that allows me to express who I am without the restrictions of my parents. I can dress freely, in either a masculine or feminine way, and I can wear make-up at my dorm and outside. I remember my relative saw a photo of me dressed very femininely and decided to snitch and show it to my parents. That bought me a lot of trauma and caused me to have trust issues with my relatives.
I honestly don't care about what other people say to me or the standards and norms of society and I do hope my parents will do same thing. Sa mga nakakarelate sa akin please hold on. Makakawala din kayo so earn money, work hard and learn to be independent because we are not sure what will happen.
I may not know you but I will support you and love you. Keep doing your thing, luv. You have a very lovely community that will gladly accept you and that is the LGBTQ community.