When I was younger, I was not able to understand how love works in different ways. For a young girl, love is a shared kiss between a man and a woman. And as I grew older love became an ideal accomplishment. Love was marriage. Love was creating a family.
I grew up believing in those concepts. I lived my whole existence in a typical Filipino home where identifying yourself far from the ‘default’ is a taboo. My father, a classic haughty man, warned me and my brothers that we’ll be outcasts once we turned out to be, in exact words: bakla and tomboy. That warning was merely a reminder for me. My reality was steadfast to reserve space for disobedience.
I was so certain of my becoming that even the constant remarks: “tomboy” & “tibo” I had received from my peers did not bother me. The possibility of embodying those statements was far from my established reality.
Later on, that reality was disproved when I started to get attracted to women. I was in denial just like the typical coming out stories. Exploring my sexuality was like rebuilding ties with an old friend, like returning to my once home. I knew that this is where I belong, it’s just too overwhelming.
The journey to accepting myself did not happen in a snap. I also came across the phase where I thought that this was just a phase. I was pretentious of what I really felt because I was afraid of judgment. Then every time my father’s loathe for homosexuals visits my mind, I seek for an escape. His words are like theatre scripts that I’ve memorized until now. My father believed that any love beyond their normal is inauthentic.
While the love my younger self looked up to is real, I’ve learned, as I grew more familiar with words, that one word can change the entirety of its meaning.
So if I were to define love today, I’d appraise the modal: can, into the young girl’s definition.
Love can be a shared kiss between a man and a woman. Love can be an ideal accomplishment. Love can do marriage. Love can create a family. Love can.
Truth is love has various and subjective definitions. No matter what it is, it shouldn’t abate one’s experience and idea of love. It shouldn’t be limited; it should always be free. Little by little as I explored, I encountered varieties until I discovered myself then love became my one true definition.
To those who cannot seem to grasp its meaning, do not define love, but instead let love define you. Some people may give you the look of disgusted eyes to becloud your vision from seeing the beautiful colors of the rainbow. Their hurtful words might be etched unto your memory, but don’t ever let it define you. The only person who can transcend beyond their dictionary-based and slang remarks is the person who truly knows his/her/their definition. You are that person.